Tea for two (and for dummies)
Could you make me some tea? Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to show up at my door with a “cuppa,” as the British would say, or a glass of the sweet variety preferred here in the South. I’m just inquiring, most politely, if this task falls within y’all’s life experience and the scope of your brainpower.
I’m asking because it seems we’ve become so witless, so clueless, so lamebrained, so doltish, dopey, daft, and distracted that we need careful instructions for every last little thing. One of our leading producers of sweetener puts this step list on the package in the apparent belief that “iced” and “tea” form an unknown, dangerous construct.
They probably have to say, “from scratch” for people who think it comes, “from Starbucks.” Actually, we’re all so addled by the times that the list doesn’t go far enough. In the spirit of public service and safety, I’ve provided an expanded, annotated version below. I won’t even ask SPLENDA© for compensation (and I truly do love their product and I’m nowhere near rich enough to sue).
INGREDIENTS
2 cups boiling water ( The cups themselves are not to be boiled, just the water. See below.)
6 tea bags (That’s the number between 5 and 7.)
2 cups SPLENDA © No Calorie Sweetener, Granulated (This has nothing to do with your grandmother.)
6 cups cold water (Yes, you need both cold and heated water. Keep reading, willya?)
1 lemon slice for garnish (Take note of the word “garnish. You’ll soon undersand why.)
DIRECTIONS
Get off couch. Walk into kitchen. Find teakettle. (This may involve yelling, “Where did you hide my teakettle this time, mush-for-brains?” at your partner.)
Fill teakettle with water and place on “burner” on stove. (The name refers to the fact that the device will burn you if you happen to touch it. To verify this, ask your cat.)
Turn on heat. When water starts bubbling and steaming but BEFORE it escapes and spews all over the place, it is “boiling.”
In a heatproof pitcher, add boiling water and tea bags. Cover and steep* for 20 minutes. (See definition below. It has no connection to the actress named Meryl.)
Remove tea bags and squeeze into brew before discarding. (The bags, not the brew.)
Stir in SPLENDA © sweetener and cold water. Serve at room temperature over ice (Iced tea is, generally, most of the time, served over ice) and garnish with the lemon slice. We already told you to find one lemon slice for garnish. Now, just in case you FORGOT OR COULDN’T COMPREHEND WHAT ALL THAT WAS FOR, we’re telling you again: garnish with the lemon slice! Isn’t this a great country?
Keep refrigerated. (Good idea. I know I need to cool down.)
* Verb (used with object); to soak in water or other liquid, as to soften, cleanse, or extract some constituent: to steep tea in boiling-hot water; to steep reeds for basket weaving. Be sure you don’t mix up the tea and the reeds.
Originally published at http://davesswan.wordpress.com on September 21, 2020.
